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Wow what a nightmare, why can't I have a night without waking from a nightmare. There becoming more intense and scary... Why does it always come to rivers of blood? Why do I see those horrible faces? What is this dream really about?

It starts off with me standing in one of the houses I remember as a child, though as the dream continues the house changes to an large mansion type house I've never been in. The walls of the hallway are a grayish wall paper with peeling edges, and the floor underneath my feet is gray carpet down the middle of a cherry stained hard wood that looks aged. The hall is lit by large chandeliers hanging high up on a dome like ceiling, and the long hall has doors on either side that are closed off to me. They run as far as I can see every six or seven yards from each other, and they have different door knockers on them. I'm confused to see door knockers on what could be bedroom or study doors, and it's about then that I start hearing this whispering voice calling me.

I'm looking for the source of the whispers, as I walk the peeling wallpaper becomes aged, and cobwebs being to dangle from the corners. The air around be become cold, until I can see my breath, and the hair on the back of my neck starts to stand on end. After a while the whispers become louder, and I'm also hearing movement behind me as if someone dragging there feet behind me. As I turn around to look behind me the lights in the hallway go out leaving me in pitch black darkness, and now I'm forced to wander the hallway with my hands out in front of me.

I begin to hear a baby's cry and my heart leaps to my throat as I think Raziel needs me, I'm now trying to power walk in darkness, to try and find my son, all the time my mind telling me that my son is no longer a baby he's 3 years old. That's when the crying slowly beings to change in pitch keeping me on my feet and making my need to reach my son more urgent. I find myself speeding up even though I know it's dangerous, with now way of truly seeing where I'm going I become afraid, but I move forward with out stopping.

It gets to a point where the sound of crying is getting louder, and I can still hear the whispers, and foot steps behind me, although those have turned more into echos. Soon I find myself calling out "Raziel, honey mom's coming," and holding my hands out in front of me, I feel so blind at this moment. After a while I feel a little hand and I take it "Raziel is that you" I ask a loud sobbing boy who stops crying and goes rigid. "Raziel... Raziel please answer mommy" I say as the hand in mine grows cold.

"Raziel, Raziel" I begin to scream and pull the hand closer to me, to find it's not attached to anything. I begin to scream in horror thinking I'm holding the severed arm of my son, and being patting the floor in front of me feeling around for my son. My hand ends up in this thick sticky puddle in front of me and my horror and fear over come me. Not long before that the lights go on and I can see again, the arm in my hand is plastic, and the sticky wet mess is nothing but red Raspberry syrup. I take a deep calming breath as I see this sit relieved that it was not as I'd feared. I place the plastic hand down and rise to my feet looking around the .... room. When did I walk past a door way, I didn't remember even feeling a door frame or anything, but i don't think about it really considering I couldn't see I could have done anything.

Looking around this new place the furniture is old broken down dusty piles, the carpet is almost black, and worn out, and the walls are dust covered, with cobwebs old and new every where. The place looks as if it has not seen a maid in over one hundred years, and there is a old piano now in the corner. The only thing in the room that looks like its been well taken care of, as I step toward it the ivory keys begin to lower themselves on at a time playing an eerie tone. Thinking it's one of those electric pianos I walk over to it, soon I realize that it's not electric, and it's not a trick. As I'm standing frozen in place I hear laughter coming from the bench and a whispering voice "Come join me" and the piano stops playing.

I feel the air around me move as if someone walked by me and I watch as the dust on the floor shifts into foot prints like a film trick you see in movies about haunting. I want to stay were I am, but I can't because I'm now being pushed forward every time I try to stop. A haunting voice whispers "You'll be with him soon" and I can't understand what is that means, and I ask the questions.

"What does that mean?" I ask "with who?" However I don't get an answer, and I'm still being pushed forward out of the room I was in and down the decaying hallway toward a black door with a eerie red glow coming from under the door. The door opens without a body in front of it and I'm pushed through, the room smells of dust and soil, and I can hear chattering of so many voice, but I see nothing or rather no body in this red dimly lit room.

Soon the chattering comes to an end, and in the silence I can hear movement, a shifting on the floor, and I see a hand come out of the darkness. "I want you by my side" comes a raspy voice I don't recognize.

"Who are you?" I ask and in a blink of an eye, I'm looking at my husband's face, but it's dead. His white grayish face is messed up on one side, and there is a gaping hole where his right eye should be. At seeing this site I begin to tremble, before braking down and crying "Michael" I say stopping myself from reaching out toward him.

"He is dead," came the raspy voice from the lips of my dead husband, "soon you'll be my love." and on dead head reached out and stroked my check.

I closed my eyes and turned my head away from it tears rolling down my checks, when I opened my eyes again I was standing out side with my hands behind my back, and the dead Michael standing near by. Looking around I found myself in a graveyard full of head stones and Michael and I where standing before an opened grave with a wooden pine box in it. A few moments later I'd been pushed into the graveyard, and the lid forced down and nailed in place.

I can't finish this right now maybe later, I need to calm myself down.


I've been posting more things onto Triond, and they are being viewed, although I know it's not going to be an instant fix to money problems I'm glad that my stuff is getting view regularly. I'm hoping that with enough posted items and views I can start saying I made some money using the site.

My Profile:

I'm currently writing a story now, I'm hoping to be finished by the end of next week and have it posted. Though I've been adding mostly recipes I've created in the mean time. It's been good intensive to continue with a hopeful writing career, as well as working to remove the writers block I've had since October 26, 2010. I had to find a new source to pull inspiration from, however my son is still working as a muse, its only part of the time.

I get to see Raziel on tomorrow, as well as February 08, 2010 what a great birthday gift, being able to hug my son. I'm thinking Michael and I will stop and get Cup Cakes before we go and see him, just as a way to do something as a family. We also found out Michael will be seeing Raziel on his Birthday also... I need to see about August 26, 2011 make sure its a day that stays free so we can see Raziel. However if Raziel ends up in the care of my father in law, I know he will make sure to have us be able to see Raziel or at least talk to him over the phone.


Today I posted two recipes onto my Triond account, hopefully something will come out of posting these items.

Recipe number one:

Verde Meatloaf

Recipe number two:

Parmesan Cheese Chicken Stripes/ with Pesto Pasta

These were good when I made them, and now I'm giving them to everyone to try out.


I've long since lost my faith in humanity, a word that we have come to know meant something to people every where. To have humanity was prized, a humane person was kind, caring, and unselfish. Now a days the humane lose their scene of good will, because like me they get stepped on, hurt, betrayed, or stolen from. If you have your feelings hurt more then once you start to become bitter to the world, looking at it with an growing hatred. You begin to see people as plagues, that one day you'll end up curing yourself from some how. You start to find reasons to stay away from them, begin dropping your friends, moving away from your family, and soon end up a hermit locked away in a room clocked in darkness. Your only comfort maybe a cat, computer screen, hobby, or something, figuring out how to get food without having to leave your front door. Good old internet, makes it easy to become a hermit at times, including if you have a home job.

If you can't lock yourself away physically you slowly find away to do it mentally, starting with your emotions, until the simple act of crying is no longer something you do on the outside or consciously. You end up with the title of cold and heartless, and you don't care. What do I know about such things though, I'm one of the lucky few that got married even as the ice started forming over my heart. Though what most don't know and never will is that there are only a select few that can get past the newly forming glacier that protects my once loving heart.

In my mothers collection of pictures of me as I've grown up, you will see that years have not been kind. If you look in the eyes of my photo's you'll find that the light slowly dies, as the years go by. The smile that once held a true pleasure for life and all it had to offer, no longer has that pleasure, its a false show for the people receiving the photo.

I once had the question asked of me if I was ever beaten or mistreated, and my answer was no, which is true if your thinking about it in terms of Parents, and husband. However it is not true in terms of other people, because I have been beaten, and mistreated by society, by civilization, by law, by people I've been told will protect me, when my family can't. It happened from the time I started going to school wearing a wig to hide the fact I was different, and still today. It is hard to find a job when your a bald female with no one that can help you, so I say part of the low poor class relying on Government Assistants that's more of a spit in the ocean then a real help.

That's all I wish to rant for now, but soon I'll finish this... I'm tired and depressed and need something else to occupy my mind, before depression takes tighter hold of me and crushes me.


Sunday at my mothers house looks as if the 'Sandman' has been working overtime, or spread to much of is legendary 'Sleeping Dust' upon my brother, husband, and even my mother. However I know for a fact my mother, and husband are sick, as for my brother I'm not so sure. So I've decided 'Chicken Soup' Lizzy style is in order for dinner. I really don't care who wants it and who doesn't, it will do the sick people good, and keep anyone healthy, well healthy. I started boiling the Chicken a half hour ago from this post, and it's starting to smell good. I'll continue to boil it until 4:30pm then pull out the meat and start cutting the veggies. I'm not sure if I want to make it with Potatoes, rice, noodles, or dumplings. Though either way I do it the starch I use has to be optional for mom. Sometimes its hard to cook with my mother's special diet in mind, but I'm managing to pull it off rather well.

Well lets see what else this day throws at me, hopefully it will be smooth sailing.

What is it about age?

What is the problem with getting older? So what hair turns gray, and body parts begin to sage. How can getting old become such a big deal? I mean if a person is looking at I'm getting older one step closer to being six feet under. In my eyes it really don't matter, death is coming for all of us, and it's not a question of age, or how ready you are, its more of an understanding that it's going to happen. So what else is there about age that makes people so afraid to show it, all your really showing is how many years you have lived to learn all the things you know. Okay, look at a two year old, most of them don't know how to read, write, talk, or anything it's their first time seeing most thing. As an elderly person there are years of experience just a story away. Experience that can be put into a book and published while your still able.

As time flies by us all we should not worry about gray hairs, going bald, were the next wrinkle is going to show on your face. Start thinking about what can I leave my family, what stories can I leave them, what skills such as knitting, canning, and many other things that are being phased out. As a young lady, I know I'm not as skilled, or knowledgeable as I'd like to be, there are things I'd love to learn. Things my Great Grandmother knew, and never taught anyone before she passed.  We have self help books of all kinds, and there are book on the dying arts of many cultures, but how many books can sit down and help you when your having troubles with a step? How about when your doing something the hard way? No book is going to say "You know I know an easier way" and then show you.

Someone with true experience can do what no book can, and as age goes by so does the time to teach. We teach our kids everything we can, but there are some lesson most parents, and grandparents never get too. Most of the time they are good lessons, and they don't have to be told in a lesson form, kids learn from stories also. I've learned in 27 years of life that someone with gray hair, a wrinkled face, has more stories, and experience then someone who looks young. I guess all I'm really saying is don't hide your badges of honor, you marks of experience, show them. After all they are your medals, they scream "I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE I LIVED IT"

Even if no one is listening you'll still find someone like me, that would love to hear about it.


Today started off as a stress relieving day, though it turned out to be a clean my mothers house day. I really miss my son, from what I've seen on Thursday he's going fine. He's always happy to see Michael and I, a sight that warms my heart. I'm very proud of my son's development and thinking that even though not having him is stressful and feels horrible it's been a good experience. I can't wait for Monday I get so see him again, I really need to find those gloves that where on the coffee table, really getting tired of things moving.

I hate to cut this entry short but I have to go to Food Maxx for dinner supplies. I'll have to make a longer entry today or tomorrow.

Nov. 14th, 2010

Looks as if I have no choice, things on my end have gone bad, and I know that after hitting rock bottom there is only one way to go. So here's the major up date this starts in August:

In August my husband and son went to Oregon leaving me at out old residence in Mountain View. On August 17,2010 while my husband was still in Oregon, I when home for the night from my mother's place with a dark cloud hanging over my head. The night I took my proscribed sleeping pills and went to bed only to be woken up at 3am by my landlord calling. He was in his room and drunk and he told me he needed to talk with me long explanation short I got molested by my ex landlord, and almost raped.

Well my husband and I started looking for new places to live after that, though ended up having more problems. On October 20, 2010 my landlord left a message on the kitchen table telling us we owned him an extra $124 dollars for PG&E when we moved in we where told our Rent was $500 this included all utilities. This letter was addressed to me, though because I could no longer stand being around that man I put my husband in charge of rent related things. In a letter my husband told our Landlord a few things as politely as he could write it, as well as informing him on a simple fact. That I had not hide the fact that our landlord tried to violate our marriage and he was not happy with that fact.

Well, our landlord on Tuesday October 26, 2010 while called the police on us and told them that Michael abuses our son, and is the cause of a black eye Raziel never had. He also told the police that he suspects that Michael abuses me. My son did get spanked that night for throwing one of his ear shattering tantrums, and there was evidence of a spanking. So when the police came and looked at my son, saw that out bedroom light didn't come on because the bulb burned out 2 hours earlier and I didn't have a replacement, not did I have the money to get on ASAP, and Michael and I slacked on a few household chores for one reason or another. They Arrested my husband for Child Abuse, and took my son away.

When we lost our son we also lost our Welfare, so we have no money, next month we will no longer have medical, though on a good note we will have food stamps (at least it's something), anyway at this time Michael and I are homeless and finding that the shelters are not going to do us any good, there is no real guaranty that we can get hep from the ones that will take the individual genders, and the family shelter will not take just couples we'd have to have Raziel which is being taken care of by a faster family.


Wow how long has it been?

Damn the last time I wrote in my live journal was back in August 09, well lets see what has been going on since then.

  • Family became homeless, for around three week, though lucky us we got to use the homeless program that the welfare office has. Though now if it happens again my family will be sleeping on the streets.
  • Moved in to a Victorian house that was a mess, cat and dog mess on the floor and soaked into the carpet and padding.
  • Had to get a new stroller because our old one broke.
  • Michael learned he has an enlarged heart.
  • I learned I might be heading into Diabetes if I don't lose about 100 lbs or so.
  • Both of us learned that MediCal will pay for a GI Bypass.
  • Started looking into the bypass but have not been able to talk to a doctor since.
  • Lived in the only clean room of the Victorian house for a full month, and was still dealing with 8 cats and 2 Kittens plus a dog, and everything that goes with it.
  • Found out that I'm mentally fucked up... guess that is why me and Michael get along...LOL J/K love.
  • I had been seeing a Therapist for almost 6 months and working on getting better.
  • The month that I love, the last day of Oct. was Michael and my second year Anniversary. Looks like when I find a mate I do it for life. Of course we have had our major fits, and he has had to sleep on the couch, or even someone else home. In the end though we talk it over and say "I love you" and make up.
  • No much happening here, spent most of the month at my mothers house working on Christmas and all.
  • Played Rock Band with my brother and husband.
  • Had a messed up Thanksgiving with my Landlady. The meal was good, the stuffing was not, it was store bought and nasty.
  • Spent more time at Mom's trying to finish Christmas Presents.
  • Went and saw Mom sing at the Fermont, and had a good time.
  • Started having Issues with my land lady even though I paid rent.
  • Tried to pay utilities but she didn't help me by showing me the bill.
  • Hand a good Christmas
  • New Years was just another day, and some where a long the line I found myself crying all the time for no reason.
  • I also came the conclusion I hate the Holiday's.
  • 14th of January the water was turned off at the Victorian house, and we began living with my Mother.
  • Was told we where to move out by March or April.
  • Was told the water was not going to be turned back on.
  • Had some bad times with the Landlady.
  • Then when my husband told her she was violating our renters rights, we where told we had til the 30th of January, and that she had packed our stuff.
  • Found new place three days before the 30th when back and sure enough she had violated us again by packing our stuff.
  • Told us to bad you can't stay there and made us leave.
  • Found out that when you have a kid my sons age, a notice for a family to move has to be given with in 45 days.
  • Left anyway, and didn't do anything to her.
  • Moved in to the new place and it was great, a perfect place to call home.
  • Turned 27, and now looking at birthdays as being 1 year older, 12 months wiser, and 365 days more feed up with the world.
  • Not much happened after that.
  • Michael's birthday, he is one year older then he was before and I made him a 5 course fully Russian Meal. Which had left overs that lasted the rest of the month.
  • Got a notice that we needed to move because the people we where living with had to have the room for there Mother-in-law who was diagnosed with Alzheimer.
  • Moved to Mountain View, and now my son has a 3 year old boy he can play with off and on.
  • We are happy in this place to, have a wall to wall closet , and large room.
  • Nice quiet neighborhood
  • Made my first cake, and decorated it since my father passed. I was for my brother's 30th birthday, decorated a Taz cake for him. He loved it, and I remember why I enjoyed it so much.
  • Now I'm just waiting for the month to end so that I can get a new futon Mattress for my bed because the one I have is getting really thin.
Well now that was a long update, wonder if I can keep the habit of at least trying to write every week if not every day. Looks like we will see... oh yes I'm working on getting a job, having the same problems I always do. Though at least I'm trying again.

Just Recently...

I just got a website from a friend of mine it's called, and I have been posting stories on it. I invite all of you to read my stories, and if your a writer like me, you might want to look farther into the site. If you want to read my stories please go here My Profile, and also you can also check out the site for it.

Also there are a few bad things that have happened, but I don't wish to get into it.


Vampyrella C. Krosswynd

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February 2011


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